Archive for January, 2006

We Are Angry At Friendster

Saturday, January 14th, 2006

In our infinite wisdom and prettiness, we have found Friendster inadequate as a medium for communicating with our minions.  The formatting is so bad it would only befit a shah from Plumppoopistan.  We cannot even use basic HTML or cause paragraphs to form.

You may find us henceforth at…

http://www.livejournal.com/users/imperialplump/

We may often cross-post.

We have spoken.

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BOW BEFORE THE IMPERIAL FLAG!!

Friday, January 13th, 2006
In our Infinite Wisdom and Prettiness, we have designed an Imperial Standard that will ever fly in victory over our Enemies.
Behold, the flag of the Holy Protestant Empire of Felinestan!!
The Purple stands for the royal nature of our house.  The White stands for the beautiful white fur of our royal person.  And the Black stands for the fierce Iron Paw that rules over all that witness our beauty.
We command that all who swear loyalty to us fly this banner with pride!
We have spoken.
Felinestani_flag

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Felinestani Imperial Anthem

Wednesday, January 11th, 2006
In our infinite wisdom, and prettiness, we commissioned the Court Composer, who is the Human Male, to compose an Imperial Anthem for Felinestan.  We were about to execute the Human Male when he delivered the following composition. 
We are pleased.  It is apparently set to the tune, "America," whatever that is.
   Oh beautiful for pretty cats,
   who sit on purple throne
   thy soft white fur that sticks to us
   reminds us all of home
   Felinestan, Felinestan
   We fear thy Iron paw
   take mercy on your subjects poor
   who heed thy every law
   Oh beautiful for kitty pee
   which stains they rug with love
   the remnant of a fierce jihad
   that comes from high above
   Felinestan, Felinestan
   we’ll fill your bowl with food
   and stroke thy fur with zoom groom brush
   and stoke thy purrish mood

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Ruling is HARD!

Tuesday, January 10th, 2006
Today’s Timeline:
3:00AM: We beckoned the Human Female to praise us.  She did not respond, so we graciously knocked over some of her possessions.  Slumbered.
7:30AM: We were woken from our Imperial slumber by the Human Female.  We were about to order her execution, when we saw she turned on the Imperial Fountain.
7:31AM: Our Imperial person imbibed cold water.
7:33AM: Our Imperial person finished imbibing.
7:45AM: We took a small breakfast.
7:55AM: We retired to our Imperial throne.  The Human Female went out into the fields to do her service and earn currency for the Imperial Treasury.
8:00AM In our infinite wisdom, and prettiness, we took a beauty nap.
4:00PM We approached the Palace Gate to order the Human Female to our service.  There was no reply, despite our incessant orders.  We were vowing to execute the Human Female, but noticed a noise at our viewing platform.
4:01PM We arrived at the viewing platform to see that the strange, multi-colored creatures had returned.  They were racing by the viewing platform at high speed and each had two, bright shiny eyes.  Our royal presence scares them, and they flee from us each time.
4:45PM Dusk is here.  The shiny eyed creatures are growing in number.
5:30PM Shiny eyed creatures are everywhere and have begun to unleash horrible roars.  One of the shiny creatures is apparently called "Watchit Lady," while the other is named "Fuck you."  We were about to rally the Felinestani Defense Forces, when we realized the creatures were maintaining their distance.
5:45PM Insolent Human Female returns to the realm through the Palace Gate.  We were about to order her execution, when she began to groom our royal fur.
6:00PM Insolent Human Female turns on the Imperial Fountain.  Imbibed.
6:00PM-10PM: We were incredibly pretty.
10:05PM: Slumbered.

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Our Amazon “Wish” List

Saturday, January 7th, 2006

In our infinite wisdom (and prettiness), we have devised a new manner of surrendering tribute to our Imperial Greatness.  The Imperial Felinestani Purveyor of Books and other Curiosities (known to the vile peasants as "Amazon.com") has chartered a list of our desired tribute items.  We have promulgated it in this fashion for those few of our vassals who can read.

Those who fear to incur our wrath and wish to extend their nasty, brutish and short lives, may inquire here for our so-called "Wish List", improperly named, of course, since they are Our wishes but YOUR commands.

The Iron Paw has spoken.

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The Story of Our Reign

Friday, January 6th, 2006
We are the Imperial Plump of Felinestan, but you may, or rather MUST, call us "Your Imperial Highness."  We have decided to record our Imperial deeds in this electronic fashion so that we might promulgate to the world our wisdom, our prettiness, and so that the world might shower us with tribute.
Felinestan is a mighty, if developing nation, comprised chiefly of Old Felinestan, where our servant, the Human Male resides, and New Felinestan, where our Imperial Person resides with our other servant, the Human Female.  But in a greater sense, Felinestan is in the hearts of all that bow down before us, and our realm extends farther than the eye may see or the map may denote.
We rule Felinestan with and Iron Paw, whether from the viewing platform, the review stand, or our most purple royal throne.   We rule, chiefly by birthright, but also because of our exceeding prettiness.  In days of yore in Old Felinestan, where we used to chiefly reside, swathes of children would gather at our viewing platform (which the Human Female calls, in her native tongue, a "window") and serenade us with coos and songs of how pretty we were.  Though we despise children, particularly children in the lands surrounding Felinestan, we DO appreciate praise.
Hear our counsel so that you may have wisdom.  Read our chronicles so you shall be convinced of our Imperial might, stronger than the foundations of the Earth.  And worship our Imperial self so that you may be granted our Mercy.  All shall love us and DESPAIR!

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